By Chris Hammond
James Last
The Lord of The Rings
Long before LOTR was a twinkle in the eye of Peter Jackson, unspeakable crooner James Last was sporting fantasy epic hair and beard. It is even rumoured that Jackson tried to cast Last in his film trilogy but found the singer was too busy reclining, dabbling in sherry and having his water bottle filled to bother.
Cultured 9/10
Bonnie Prince Billy
The Confederate
BPB makes an awful mistake with this face thatch. Uncontrollably wild it serves no aesthetic purpose whatsoever and is likely to do little but trap crumbs and small animals. The Hooped earring also suggests a slight piratical phase, though there is no evidence of a skull and cross bone hat emblazoned atop his coupon or rickets for that matter. This beard is just unhygienic laziness.
Confused 4/10
Lemmy
The Biblical
Nobody knows exactly what carpenters son and biblical A-Lister Jesus looked like, but there is a good chance it was very similar to the lead singer of Motorhead. Both men also have strikingly similar backgrounds. Jesus performed many good deeds, Lemmy sponsors and under 10’s football team. Jesus didn’t have a wife or girlfriend and nobody wants Lemmy either. Jesus rose from the grave on Easter; Lemmy looks like he’s risen from the grave every day of the year. Jesus didn’t have a drivers license and neither does Lemmy.
Converted 7/10
Mael
The Dictator
Mael’s band Sparks once advertised in Melody Maker for a bass player with the stipulation he wasn’t allowed to have a beard. Mael certainly made sure he was the sole owner of upper lip growth of any variety in the band. Let’s face it though, nobody was going to upstage such an ostentatious collection of bristles. Indeed the initial trendsetters of this particular facial hair type Charlie Chaplin, Adolf Hitler and Kate Thornton at no point managed to pull it off with quite the same aplomb Mael manages. Over the years Mael and his moustache experienced a great deal of success, the two however are now separated and living happily apart.
Clipped 8/10
7’ Moustache
The Pubic
Describing his music as the shittest of the shit, beer for breakfast enthusiast 7’ Moustache makes up for any artistic shortcomings with his awesome face ferret. The key to this beard’s success is the fact that it not only helps to muffle his atrocious singing, but also acts as a sort of centre piece to his onstage act – a practical plus point whichever way you peer at it.
Cracking 10/10
Badly Drawn Boy
Destitute Chic
BDB’s beard brings with it the lingering sense of urban decay, kebabs and the bon vivant nature of a simple southern lumberjack. Yet despite these reassuring aspects his shaggy hair and bland ballads combine to destroy any notion of noble down-and-out dapperness. He also looks a little bit smelly . . . and you know what they say about a man with a stinky beard.
Crude 4/10
John Oates
Smouldering
Brosnan, Sellick, Souness – all tough men with moustaches. But nothing when compared to Oates. Velveteen voice ans sensitive demeanour may have been his musical signature, but Oates’ virile hair growth always suggested that beneath this chassis of elegance he was primed for a life of car chases, one liners and sex with women of questionable integrity. Oates had a silent strength and needed not the trappings of a super spy, vice cop or badly beaved footballer. When those steely brown eyes fixed on you, when that wonderful hair ruffled in the wind and that upper lip became taught you just knew you were in the presence of a man of titanic power.
Commanding 8/10
Snoop Dogg
The Outlandish
Combing pigtails with a Bobby De Niro circa Heat goatee wasn’t the best move for this controversial rapper. The flaying tentacles reaching forth from his cranium detract any wow factor from what is certainly a well constructed beard. Only facial hair of a ZZ Top proportion could counterbalance those eye catching danglers which emanate from his wizened nugget. Perhaps in an effort to soften his touch he could tie his pigtails with a ribbon?
Crap 3/10
