Words: Joanne Wilkinson
Image: Paul Smith
For someone so bland, you’d think Gwynnie wouldn’t manage to provoke much of a reaction from anyone. But after People magazine named her the world’s best-dressed woman, I remembered why she is one of my anti-fashion icons.
It’s unfortunate that she’s probably best known for her appalling Oscar acceptance speech rather than any appearance on-screen that led to such an award. But on the plus side, the tears did distract from the horror that was the Ralph Lauren gown she wore to collect her award. It’s the first time I remember seeing Gwyneth Paltrow dressed up and she’s not improved much over the years.
Admittedly, she seems to have found a better hairdresser and a regular spray tan means she’s quick to get her perfect pins out these days, but she still insists on going braless while wearing slinky, backless outfits. Side-boobage is never pretty, even on perfectly-polished Hollywood stars.
I’m all for stick-to-what-you-know if it works for you, but have ‘90s-style satin choker halterneck dresses and tops ever worked for anyone? Even with a helping hand from her fashion designer best mate, Stella McCartney, this blonde never fails to make an outfit look bland for me.
Of course, being one of half of the most pretentious couple on the planet does nothing for her fashion cred. When your husband dresses like a retired maths teacher and is responsible for inflicting upon us some of the dullest music known to man, you’re bound to slip into a sartorial state of perpetual blandness. Chris Martin may sing about Yellow but it’s all just shades of grey, putty and off-white in Gwyneth’s wardrobe.
For anyone that is interested in attaining Gwyneth’s unique sense of dullness, she’s got her own “lifestyle company”. Yes, not only can you look like Gwyneth but you can live like her too – think macrobiotic recipes and tips on the most unremarkable places to visit in London and you’re halfway there. I’m sure there must be a section on names that will ensure your child gets ridiculed in its private school playground for life too.
The totally unpretentious Goop, “curated by Gwyneth” (please!), is also the label under which she has collaborated with designer brands to produce a range of ‘fashion’ lines. If ever there was a word that summed up neutral nothingness, it would be Goop. So for that alone, Gwyneth gets top marks for creating a brand that really does give you what it says on its unremarkable label.
If you’re thinking that a celebrity fashion range is way too common for Gwyneth, don’t worry – the Goop Collection is not aimed at the masses. Only those with a severe lack of imagination and vast amount of spare cash would part with good money to get a piece of Goop – the range so far consists of a pair of $200 jeans that only look good if you have Paltrow-esque pins and a $90 see-through white T-shirt that looks good… well, if you want to flash your nipples. Oh that’s right, do as the world’s “best-dressed” woman does…
I genuinely can’t wait to see what Gwyneth wears next. After all, I’m sure there’s another shade of sludge out there that hasn’t been made into a hideous halterneck slip yet. And she’ll be the first to be seen wearing it. Braless, of course.