Both of this edition’s fighters spent their early days wowing the public with their talents before becoming nothing more than tired old jokes. One contender is a chiselled, slightly scary relic from a bygone age who, like some once powerful pagan deity, continues to find worshippers for her lacklustre vocal talents. The other is an animal adored by marketing agencies, children and the sort of people who consider Michael McIntyre a comic genius. Put your hands together for Madonna and the Meerkat.
Round 1: Strengths
Thanks to years of yoga, and undoubtedly no small amount of dark magic, Madonna looks like she could genuinely punch your lights out. Her furry rival on the other hand isn’t quite so fearsome as it only scraps with insects and their ilk. If the Terminator-esque chanteuse can catch the critter it’s one-nil Madge five minutes into the contest.
Round 2: Weakness
Have you ever seen the film Swept Away? No? We’ll save you the trouble. It’s a crappy Guy Ritchie directed monstrosity starring his then wife. She plays a gnarly bitch married to a millionaire. It’s a film so full of fail; if our Meerkat ever saw it he’d probably gnaw his paws off in disgust despite the fact he’d be comparing it to his own milked to death adverts.
Round 3: Tough Talk
“I have the same goal I’ve had ever since I was a girl. I want to rule the world.” No dicking about there from Madonna then. Would irritating talking animals have a place in this world? It’s highly unlikely. Though to be fair, nothing Madonna says could ever be as utterly vacuous, yet insidiously unforgettable as the talking Meerkats’ catchphrase . . . you know the one we’re talking about.
Round 4: Track Record
Endless pop records, endless adopted orphans, endless crap film appearances, endless sell-out world tours … everything about Madonna points to the fact she’ll probably have another 274 years left in her at the very least. The Meerkat on the other hand is certainly on his way out, if he lives beyond Christmas he’ll be doing well.
It’s almost a whitewash from Madge as she crushes the monotonous mammal to pieces in her quest for world domination. No doubt she’ll suck its shattered corpse dry of blood in an attempt to sustain herself for another sweaty stadium tour. Madonna, we salute you.